One day a few months ago I was walking my dog on 6th Avenue. (Note: "walking my dog" is not a euphemism for masturbation.) It was around 7:30 on a Monday, and I had just treated myself to a few glasses of chardonnay from the Food Emporium. This is not uncommon for a Monday.
As we crossed 6th Avenue, Madeline and I passed child actor-turned-creepy grownup Haley Joel Osment, star of such contemporary epics as Secondhand Lions and Pay It Forward. It was a real thrill, because it's not every day that you get to see a washed-up child actor (and convicted DUI offender!) walking the streets of New York with his boyfriend. Maddy could barely contain her excitement. Not only is she is a huge M. Night Shyamalan fan, but she also really likes boys who like boys. And believe me, Haley Joel Osment straight loves boys.
Haley Joel Osment took immediate notice of me and Maddy as well. In fact, he stopped mid-stride to make the following observation of my beautiful dog:
"That dog is weird looking."
Huh. Well, thanks, Haley Joel Osment! Thanks for taking the time to drop that one on us! If I may, I'd like to offer a multi-point response. May I? Thank you:
1. Have you looked in the mirror? You look like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button incarnate, you fucking crazy-eyed gnome. Nice highlights.
2. I see that you are wearing a Boston Red Sox hat. Given that you are an asshole, this does not surprise me. However, why are you wearing a Boston Red Sox hat? After all, your Wikipedia bio lists Los Angeles as your hometown. Shouldn't you be wearing a Dodgers hat or Angels hat? The only logical conclusion I can draw from your hat choice is that you're a fairweathered piece of shit who has gotten caught up in the renaissance of cute that has befallen the Boston Red Sox since 2004. For this, you are a fucking fag. I would also wager that you don't know the first fucking thing about baseball, and that Alex Rodriguez is your favorite player. Again, you = fag.
3. Maddy is fucking beautiful. Way more beautiful than your little man-whore suckoff toy. What's his name? I'm guessing it's Ryan or Jason or Shane. Is it any of these? No? Well, whatever. May your first child be a masculine child, bonerlicker.
Of course, I did not say any of these things, because I was drunk. Instead, I did something far less clever: I yelled somewhat incoherently.
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH, HALEY JOEL OSMENT! I SEE ASSHOLES, HALEY JOEL OSMENT! HEY, DID EVERYONE SEE HALEY JOEL OSMENT HERE? HE'S RIGHT HERE! HE WAS IN THE SIXTH SENSE! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH, HALEY JOEL OSMENT?"
See what I did there? I embarrassed him with topical movie references. It's like my grandpa always said: if you can't beat them, you should belittle them with topical references to their careers as child actors. Also, never trust Pakistani men with your money. THEY WILL STEAL IT.
In conclusion, Haley Joel Osment can get fucked.
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