Ever since you got pregnant, all I can think about is how hard you probably got fucked

Look, I'll be honest. Until a few weeks ago, I wasn’t that into you. Sure, we would say hello when we passed each other in the hall. Maybe we would politely ask about each other’s weekends if we found ourselves sharing an elevator. But it’s not like I was going out of my way to chat you up. Yes, you're kind of hot, but you also live way the fuck out in Long Island and share an apartment with a guy named Jason or Shane who’s taking community college classes and wants to be a fireman.

Point is, it would’ve been stupid for me to sit around pining for you. In fact, until recently I’d never even thought about you while jerking off.

But man, ever since I found out you were pregnant, I can't stop thinking about how you probably got the absolute shit fucked out of you.

Suddenly your entire body has come alive in my mind. It's as if nature and circumstance have conspired to make you the sole object of all my wanton fantasies, populating my mind with thoughts of all the parts of your body that I would like to know in the most intimate ways imaginable.

One of the things I think about is your vagina, because that thing probably got railed to fuck while you were getting knocked up.

Also, I think about your boobs.

During your first trimester, I suspect that there won’t be much change in your sexual habits and proclivities. If you like missionary, you’ll probably continue to do missionary, because your stomach won’t be that big yet. However, due to the pregnancy, your vagina will be much more sensitive, making both your orgasms and your sex drive heightened.

(Ed. note: I have no idea if the vagina becomes more sensitive during pregnancy, or whether any of the above claims are true. I am not a physician, and these are just guesses.)

If you like doggie style—and in my mind, you do—you will probably love having pregnant sex. It is really the most practical sexual position for a woman with a huge abdominal protruberance, the sort of protruberance that you will have in your second and third trimesters.

If Jason Shane will not fuck you doggie style while you are pregnant, I will gladly do so. In fact, we should probably fuck at some point before you give birth, just because I am going crazy thinking about it. Also, the second that thing comes out of you, your vagina is going to lose all the sweet, sweet tension that got you into this predicament in the first place.

Also, and in conclusion, I will probably not want to have sex with you after you give birth.